Where the path led to 119: The Journey begins

With every journey there is a beginning, often an end. This is a journey that led me down many paths and ultimately to the path of wonderment and enlightenment. It is one that I never expected and could only experience through enduring some of the highest and lowest moments I have ever experienced in my life. This made me face fear. Joy. Pain. Tenderness. Doubt. Faith. Friendship. Loneliness. Love.

To begin, why did I do this? Why did I embark on this? There was a purpose behind this.

My mission: 119 miles over a 47 hour period.

My 47th Birthday is 9-19-19 and it felt so important to do this mission.

Some background first. I am incredibly superstitious about the number 19. It isn't just the don't walk under the ladder, black cat cross your path, broken mirror, swallow your gum type of superstitious. It is real. It started when I turned 19, 9-19-91. I had one heck of an awful birthday. Awful... a really crappy dude I was dating, caught him in bed with someone else. Went for a run with my CD disc man, don't judge, it was the 90's...on that run I was caught in a torrential downpour in the woods in Colorado. The disc man died, never to work again, it was a good one with the anti-shock too. Then I was subsequently chased by a bear. I ended my run sprinting to my car after doing some serious evasion of said bear. I went to my work at the time, McDonald's and got a hot chocolate. It was turning out to be the most depressing and awful day. One of my managers asked if I wanted to work that night, why not? Clearly I am not having a good day and have no plans. I went home and showered and changed and went into work. We got hammered with buses and it was a really crappy shift. My manager and co-workers though got some balloons and a cake and we had that after we closed. When I got home, I lived with my parents still and I got yelled at for breaking curfew. I had also found out that morning I was no longer covered with health insurance because I wasn't a full time student and I turned 19. Dang. It sucked.

Another pretty major thing is I share my birthday with my Parent's biological son. We are exactly 10 years apart, to the day. I am adopted when I was 3 years old, I was put up for adoption when I was 11 months old. When I was 5 the sexual abuse began from parent's son. It continued until I was 7. He used manipulation and fear so I wouldn't tell. Abusers are master manipulators. Mom and Dad will give you back if you tell. Nobody will believe you, you are a kid and I am grown. So I didn't until I was in my late 20's and I was a mom. I harbored that secret and pretending all was good. It is a thing I deal with every day of my life. My wiring is a little jacked up and running was a way to help me unravel it and get me where I needed to be as a functioning mother, wife, friend...human. It is hard to be public about it because there is a lot of shame that comes with it and I want to protect the feelings of my family. My parents didn't know and I have no blame for them not knowing. They are amazing parents and I can't even for a second imagine where my life would be without them. My biological mom passed away a couple years ago. She was an addict of everything. Drugs, booze, men, sex, food, poor decisions. Multiple cancers took her in the end. I don't know if I will face the same cancerous death, I would like to think I won't because I take care of myself and the only addiction I have is running. No, I never met her in my adulthood, she was always too drunk or high to even talk to on the phone. Who even knows who my father was, from my understanding he was gone at the word "pregnant". Had my parents not adopted me--Lord knows where I would be and I am eternally grateful they did. I cannot express that enough how much my parents molded me into who I am today and the strength and morals they instilled in me to overcome all that messed up wiring to be me.

In the years that followed, that 19 plagued me. Car accidents. Robberies. Traffic tickets. Animals dying. Falls. Incidents at work. Coincidental incidents that don't normally happen. One day storms. Just stupid and major stuff. My daughter was due August 19th, I was petrified and willed her not to come. Thankfully she was a good listener and waited until September 3rd. Before Kevin ever met me he had his horrific 19 experience when his son Benjamin was diagnosed with Cancer on January 19, 2008, he died just a short few weeks later, he was 3 1/2 years old. 2019 to date has been a doozy. Root canal. Hemorrhoids. No medical Insurance. Infection in toe from thorn. Dog has Valley Fever. The other Dog swallowed a bee. Earthquake in California, happened at 8:19. Fire at friend's house, our fault. Bank account compromised. FB hacked. 2 near accidents, slamming on breaks, tire squealing type. A lot of stuff I can't even remember. It has just been a year.

When 9-19-19 would come I had 2 choices. Stay at home wrapped in bubble wrap, cell phone set to 911 with someone with me for safety or do something to say, no, not this time. NO F U 19. You will not take me, I am not ready. I have this belief that this 9-19-19 is the year to reverse the curse.

January 1, 2019 I had to come up with a plan, how will I get through this year.

One step at a time. My friend was going through his own bad year with battling cancer and his determination through radiation got me thinking about what am I going to do. I came up with a lot of options. 19 miles a day for 19 days. 19,000 steps a day for 19 days. 47 miles every week. I was close to doing 19 for 19 and I changed it because of the impact it would be on my family. So I came up with, I got it. 119 miles for 47 hours. That is completely doable........

The planning began. I did something very similar last year, how far can I go for 46 hours because I was afraid I would die in 2019. I made it 75 miles and thought what is another 44 miles....in another hour....what???? Seriously, for no reason I can articulate, I haven't done that math until today. Why on all of God's great green Earth did I think an extra 44 miles would be achievable...oh I know, it is because I suck terribly at math. Barely passed. Clinically math illiterate.

Kevin endlessly and lovingly came up multiple ways to encourage me to not do this. Eventually he gave up knowing my brute force determination was not going to change. When I presented the pace scale he said, it is too fast, you need to slow it down. No, because I won't make it. I wasn't willing to listen to reason. All along the way I had positive reinforcement to go with it. Including our good friend, Emerson said, go with your dreams, you can do it.

I sat down and wrote out plan after plan after plan. The central location is Catalina State Park, the RV park where our RV would be for Aide Station and all routes would come and go from there. My husband and I explored new routes to break up the monotony of doing the same routes over and over again. I came up with 13 routes, 2 very long ones, others with distances between 6-10 miles, one that was an out and back to the ranger station for ice cream. I went over the plan again and again with paces between 17 -21 min miles, which seemed feasible as I am a very good power hiker and I would be okay. Each arrival to the camper I would stay about 30 min and go back out again.

I put it out to Facebook and had a lot people say I will come join you. It is easy to say, I will, those that DO I will never forget.

I made the plan to begin at 1900 hours on 18 Sep 19 due to the heat. I trained in the heat to prepare for this. I trained with time on my feet for this. I did everything I could do to prepare for this. I did everything I could to prepare. I had all kinds of options for food that worked and didn't work. I had so much water and electrolytes prepared. I planned and planned and planned. I visualized each route over and over. I did a 24 hour training event to nail down one particular variable that I failed at last year in the 46 hr attempt. Sleep. I chose last year a set sleep time and it went terrible. It was full of nightmares and I was afraid to go outside of the camper. Packs of imaginary coyotes rabid to eat me. Packs of mountain lions and bears waiting to take me down. If I had slept when I was truly tired, would that change things? The 24 hr was a test of that. Well, I slept a total of 22 minutes and the delirium was bad. I hallucinated pretty badly. I ended up cutting out a route due to how long it took and the technical and physical nature of it. Lessons were learned and I only went 47 miles. How in God's name will I make 119 in 47? I coordinated who and when was going to join me. This is for real going to happen. Doubt constantly invaded. Can I do it?

A video of 24 Hour Delirium

The amount of planning for this cannot go unnoticed. I wrote out plans. I wrote out lists of food, gear, weather, sunrise, sunset, moon rising. I made list and list and list and list to make me feel better that I was ready. I laid awake thinking about it. I made notes. I made charts. More lists. I decided to make a list and a playlist of the top 100 songs of 1972. I thought that would be fun to share and uplifting. A lot of great songs came from that year. A lot of, what in the world is that song??

I decided that I would continue to be organic about the sleep and nutrition aspect. I decided when I was truly tired, I would rest, not wait until a pre-designated rest. It is weird because 1 min feels like 10 min of sleep. The body only needs 20 min to reset. When I was making my plan, Kevin asked about sleep and rest and I said when it feels right. He said, 'okay', code for, 'yeah, that is a terrible damn plan, but I love and support you and if it fails, you need to feel that'....can't blame him.

I set up with my work to see patients Monday and Tuesday and I would start on Wednesday. I can tell you my patients thought I was crazier then a loon. One of my patients and her partner were the most supportive and so excited for my journey. They gave me some trail mix and a card which melted my heart. I drew strength from them in the latter miles. I drew strength from all of my patients current and in the past. I passed miles for all of them being able to do something their bodies failed them to carry through. Each bird song, flutter of a lizard, breeze through the trees, it was for them.

Wednesday came, 18 Sep 19. It begins. I had some stupid idea I would stay up all night Tuesday so I would sleep Wednesday. I fell asleep. I woke up at 4:30 am 18 Sep 19 thinking, I will take a nap later, it will be okay. I kissed Kevin goodbye for work, I wouldn't see him again until around 1030-1100 pm. I cried like I would never see him again.

I had some objectives for Wednesday. Ice for the coolers. MOD pizza for just in case or after, a solid go to. Last minute groceries. Load the truck with Kevin's mountain bike, propane tanks, coolers, hook up camper. I couldn't leave to get said items until 10 am. MOD pizza doesn't open until 10:30. So I went to Fry's, got last minute items including a chance on CBD cream. Got the pizzas for Kevin and I, some chick fill a for lunch and home. OMG the plan is in motion. I came home to a wonderful birthday surprise. An ice maker for the camper!! I was pretty excited about that. Silly I know, but we do a ton of things and go through more ice than one could imagine. Having the ice machine would make loading our packs easier for sure. I was looking forward to setting that up.

The ice machine is very efficient, makes ice in 8 minutes!!

Showered, shaved legs (gotta look good----note, didn't shave again until a week later----eek). Braided the hair, not the legs lol, and added some bling. Time to roll. Play 1972 top 100 playlist.

Drove out to Catalina State Park and upon Kevin's idea I reserved the spot next to us for Wed, Thurs, Fri. for the folks who would come to join me so they have a place to park and camp if needed.

Pulled perfectly into B24 and proceeded for camp set up. It took longer as usual and I got sunburned, as usual. I had to get my packs ready too. Two that were identical in things in them that are a constant; salt tabs, other drugs, lube, toilet paper, hand sanitizer, snacks, first aid kit. One pack was bigger for longer routes, one was for shorter routes. I also set up my electrolyte drinks, drip drop, eight bottles. I tinkered and fussed about things. I kept looking at the clock. Over and over again and again. I should be resting. I can't. I am too restless. SHIT. I am going to be in trouble. I have been up since 0430!!!!

A pic of the food, all of the organization. The boys made me these numbers to count down the miles as I went. It was so sweet.

In the final hour it was pure panic. I put on my clothes. I taped my feet on particular areas that always give me problems. I used Luekotape which acts as a second skin and could possibly hang a human with, it is sticky. If you are not careful when removing, it will take your skin.

I lubed up all the undercarriage and the thigh chaff potential area. I lubed under my bra in front and in back just in case. I have my pack ready. I made a ham and turkey sandwich. I step outside of the camper, lock it up. I am starting the journey alone. Kevin has training and won't join me until route #2. OMG, that sound. I need a dryer sheet for my insoles in my shoes. Panic. Unlock camper, put in full sheet in each shoe, no time to cut. Okay, Okay, I am good. 6 minutes to go time. Why is my tube all tangled up? Crap, have to re-route tube, that is going to take forever. I do it. 4 minutes to go time. I have to pee. Shit. Go pee. 2 minutes to go time. Get phone ready, get watch ready. Drop phone 3 times. Start watch. Begin. Oh my goodness, I am doing this.

My first route is one I know very well, do the 50 year trail, connect to Sutherland Trail with the trail we named Ben's trail, it has no name but it cuts off going on the fire road and connecting into Sutherland trail where it comes into the park. It follows along a wash area. Once in the park then I do the standard Catalina State Park loops, Canyon Loop, Birding Trail and Nature Loop, follow Bridle trail back to camp. It would be a 12 mile route. I was so anxious to finally get this going. I started running and panicked if I run now will it sabotage later? I went with a fast shuffle hike thing to keep my pace at 17 min as close as I could.

I love looking down onto the city as they go about their nightly routines and here I am in nature under the stars living my best moments of my life.

I decided to set some alarms to go off at particular moments in time to reflect and honor those times. I decided to start at 1900 (7pm) on purpose. I set an alarm for 1919. As I set out, it went off and it scared the crap out of me because I forgot I did it!! The song was Pale Moon Rising, one of the songs of the top 100 of 1972.

I was going along, taking in the sunset, the stars coming out, where this journey will take me and thought, wow, I haven't even gone a mile yet??? I looked at my watch and it said I did, but I must not have felt it vibrate. I was carrying on and thought, why haven't I felt it vibrate for mile 2, I know I have gone that far and I realized I set my watch to "Bike" not "Run" because it displayed MPH and not pace per mile. Crap. I stopped it at 2.13 miles and restarted in "Run" mode. I was so nervous and jittery and dropping things and panicking I screwed it up. Not the first time!! This simple mistake would plague me endless throughout the journey. Having to add 2.13 every time I looked at my watch. UGH.

I also wore a second watch that would beep on the hour as a reminder for me to check in with my salt tabs, water, nutrition. That proved to be very helpful and I was able to stay on top of those things much better then I have in the past.

I got to an intersection I have been at multiple times and I went Left instead of Right. Realized the mistake and backtracked. Well, it happens, I am sure it wouldn't be the first time!! When I got into this wash section it gets a lot of water and has a lot of growth in there. Also code for things that hide at night. I am zooming along and a rustle from the brush and out comes a skunk. It was a cute little thing, the size of a young adult cat. I whipped out my phone and took a pic....well, I thought it was a pic of the skunk.....it was a rock. I did however see some snakes. Always on the lookout for snakes. This a pic of all the snakes I saw over the event.

I felt great. Cruising along, nerves at bay. Excited to get back and see Kevin. When he left for work earlier, I cried. It was a huge rush of emotions like I wouldn't see him again. When I came back into camp, it was 10:38 pm and I was supposed to be leaving at 10:30 pm. Weird, I felt good, like I was ahead of time. Crap.

Kevin and I set out on route 2 which was to Golder Ranch trail head and back. This route had a secondary part to determine where to drop a cooler for a later route. This route would also be the route for when the midnight alarm would come welcoming in 9-19-19. We chose the Birthday song and when it went off it scared the crap out of me again...why did I do this? LOL. Also, at the same time Kevin shouted out Happy Birthday!! We had a shot of fireball to ring it in. By far my most favorite moment. But, we had to carry on.

We decided to try a route that would skip this particular part which is a crappy road with big grooves in it and we noticed this trail will skip that. It was great. We loved it. We got to a house that had a couple horses and one of them trotted up to the fence to say hi. He was very friendly. I was having so much fun. However, I was constantly watching the pace. Am I going fast enough? Am I going to make it? I am going to fall behind....this is stressful.

We got to the turn around point and figured out the place to drop the cooler for later and carried on. I was in my head thinking about everything under the sun and made a decision. I was feeling nauseous. I was constantly staring at my watch and then adding 2.13 to the numbers. I was thinking of timelines, who is going to meet me at what time. I don't want to let them down. I don't want to let anyone down who thinks I can do this. It is Kristin and her perseverance is her wheelhouse, she will make it. I was not feeling I could. It was too soon to feel this level of lack of confidence. I circled this thought drain around and around and around.

I said to Kevin, I am not going to push this to make it in 47 hours. It is too much pressure on me and it is completely taking me away from why I am doing this. I was feeling sick about it all. I was dry heaving even. As soon as I made that decision though, I was feeling so much better. It was a weight lifted off of me, it was off of Kevin too. I said, I will make the 119, but I am not going to hold it to the 47 hours. 119 or bust.....was the new plan.

We got back to camp and Kevin was going to lay down and I was going to head out on my own. First, I needed to eat. I thought that was part of the nausea along with the nerves. I ate two gluten free/keto friendly waffles with dark maple syrup, cantaloupe and a V8 and I felt great. I rested 25 min sorting gear and elevating feet for a few minutes. I told Kevin I am going to head on for a 30 min out and back. I would be back in time for my route with Christine which would be a 20 mile route. It was freezing though which was a nice surprise. I started out and I was feeling so much better with calories on board and my decision. I ended up doing a 5 mile route and I felt fantastic. I can do this. I was at 23 miles in, 96 to go when I headed out.

When I got back, I had a crowd waiting for me. I cried. I had Susan, Molly, and Christine. I was in later than planned and Kevin was worried because it was supposed to just be 30 out and back and I got in a groove and it changed.

I changed out packs, ate a grilled cheese, drank a Bang caffeine drink, a V8, some chips, a cookie I think. I changed clothes, changed into my bigger Hoka Stinson shoes, changed socks. I lubed up. Kevin also set me up with a quesadilla with bacon and cheese to go.

We snapped some pics and headed out. This would be Middle Gate which I have been on 2 times before, once with Kevin, once on my own going the reverse route. I really like this route, it is a newer one for me. I was excited to spend this time with ladies I love. We would also be meeting Lisa and her husband Jim at the Golder Ranch trail head who would join us for some miles. Our initial plan was to join them at 0630.

We had so much fun, I loved hearing stories of adventures. I loved having that company out there. As I mentioned I downloaded the top 100 songs of 1972 and I have a small blue tooth speaker so I started the playlist. We sang, we laughed. Sometimes, it was just the quiet of one step in front of the other and watching the sunrise. Molly found this hanger on the side of the trail and we are all the kind of people who pick up trash on the trail so she picked it up to pack it out. We all had a lot of laughs about that.

Molly had to turn around because she had to work. I was so grateful for her to join me for awhile. She is a lot of fun.

Susan, Christine and I carried and on and talked about the songs playing. Susan and Christine are a little older than I am and could relate to the songs. We had some great laughs with memories of the parachute game in school to the Hot Popcorn song.

We got to the trail head around 7:50-8:00 am and met up with Lisa and Jim. We got there much later than planned and I felt guilty about that. Susan would need to turn around, I have shared so many miles with Susan and all of them are an adventure. She was in this for the long haul and still working on building her mileage up. I would spend more miles with her for sure!! Christine and I filled up our packs with water and we moved on with Lisa and Jim joining us. Lisa has so much enthusiasm for life and being new to Tucson it was a gift to show her and Jim some new trails to explore. They joined us for about 2-3 miles and they needed to turn around being new to the heat in Tucson. It was great to have them join me for awhile.

Christine and I continued on. We talked about all kinds of things. Family. Food. Music. Jobs. Life. Relationships. Training. SO many things, I absolutely loved it. We stopped and looked at things. We made sure we were drinking water and eating. We sought out shady spots for a food breaks. We held up our arms when a breeze blew through. We sent messages we are okay. We just kept stepping. I did make a navigation mistake and I missed a turn and we ended up cutting off a big section, but, it is okay. I made another mistake and we went down a route we shouldn't have, I realized it and we turned back around. Christine had dropped her water bottle along the way and we contemplated going back for it and I was thinking that we should with the mistake I made it would give us some miles.

We got to see a desert tortoise. Here is a pic of all the ones I saw during the event and a couple other critters.

We got up the hill and there was this guy standing there with her water bottle....he said, is this yours and we were like yes it is, thank you. Then he said, Happy Birthday Kristin. Hmm? I don't know who this is. He is wearing just shorts and is definitely a runner, so maybe from the Tucson Trail Runners group? I am trying to come up with his name and then asked him and he said Steve. Oh okay. Crap I suck. Steve who? I totally know this person, but I was just not thinking straight. Steve joined us for a few miles and it was nice to chat with him about how he is running with his son and getting him into running too.

I text Kevin and told him we would be at the trail head soon and asked for bananas and oranges. I needed something other than my trail mix, nuts, gummy bears, peanut m&m, and clif blocks. Christine and I got there and filled our packs with water and I replaced my empty electrolyte bottle with the new one. I ate 2 bananas and 2 oranges, drank some sunkist and off we went again. Christine had a cold banana and she was changed, she is eating hers cold from now on. Christine and I chuckled that we had 5 people join us and go. Was it us? LOL. She asked if when this is done will I always hear the crunch, crunch, crunch of walking on the gravel. The answer is yes. I hear it all the time. However, I also see these views in my mind too. A little collection over the event.

We made it back to the camper. I am so proud of Christine. She has grown so much as an athlete!! She is such a selfless person to come out and do the longest route with me. We ended up going about 17-18 miles. I really had fun with her.

I had asked Kevin if he would get me an in and out burger and a chocolate shake for me to have when I got back before I headed out again. I needed to eat something substantial. I was supposed to meet Patrick at 3:30 pm for Dead Horse Canyon Loop so I wanted to get fueled up and ready to go.

I was laying there elevating my feet. It was 2:30 pm. I had 72 to go. I was 47 miles in. I hadn't slept in 25 hours. I was 19 hours in, I had 28 hours to go.

I got a text from Patrick he couldn't make the next route or the one after. I could try to do the next on my own, but the one after I knew I couldn't. I talked with Kevin and he said let's do Dead Horse Canyon and assess.

We headed out for Dead Horse and it was awful. I was really struggling. The pain in my feet was bad. I tried to put new socks on and another pair for cushion. My emotions were frazzled. I had text Susan about them joining me for Baby Jesus because I can't trust myself to do that alone and she said they would join me, her and Amy. I also had Jeff coming at around 6:30 pm and he was planning a 7 or 8 miles so I was trying to come up with a plan. I was in a bad, bad, bad, bad place.

Kevin who knows me very well knew how bad I was struggling. I was tripping on everything. I wasn't pointing out cute flowers. I wasn't talking. I was stumbling and wincing. I turned to music and the song that came on was "Home" by Michael Buble. I just cried and sang. He asked if I was singing or crying. Both. This is falling apart. I can't do this. I should quit.

Yes you can. Get your shit together. You have people relying on you. Just talk to them. They will understand you can't do Baby Jesus, just cry a lot and talk them into something else. You can do this. We will fit in Baby Jesus later or not at all. Stop being a baby and get your stupid shit together. But, I hurt and want to cry. Shut up. That is the conversation in my head.

We came into the campground and Amy was pulling up and asked how I was. Horrible. How are you? She said we will get you fueled up and boosted and you will be okay. Okay. I have to go to the bathroom. I saw Jeff parked outside the bathroom. I was happy to see he made it out and said I would be out in a minute.

In the bathroom I sat on the toilet and said, you have to pull your shit together. Eat some food. Get some caffeine in. Talk to them. It will be okay. I cried for a few minutes. Wiped. Washed my face at the sink and strode out like I haven't been in the sufferfest I brought on my damn self. Oh and I started out my damn period! WTF

Apparently, Kevin was talking with them and said under no conditions let her go on Baby Jesus right now. She can't do it.

Baby Jesus is a wonderful trail that is very technical and a lot of climbing and I would be the only one who knows the way. It can be illusive. I have to be operating at a decent level to do it. I was in 1,000 percent negative level to do it.

So I came up to Susan, Jeff and Amy and I am thinking okay I can do this and tell them we are not doing Baby Jesus and can so something different and of course they were okay with that. Should I cry? No. Don't cry. You are so much better than that. Be strong. I said I just need a few minutes to get my shit together and eat. They were of course very understanding.

I ate some sort of food I don't remember, a sandwich? I put CBD creme on my feet, changed clothes and socks and we headed out to do the Catalina Loops. It was so much fun. I can't say how much it meant to have them with me. To be in such a bad place with worrying about letting people down and to have people help me through. It makes me cry today. We laughed and had such a great time. Jeff had never been on the trails at night and it was a new experience for him. I was definitely heading into some deliriousness. I was seeing things not real, a dead cat. I thought Susan was peeing in the brush and it was a deer. I took a "picture" of the deer.... I was trying to stay engaged in conversations and was asking how a yam compared to a burro. I was not making much sense of things. The CBD creme on my feet seemed to be helping though. I was finally feeling some relief. However....the question of, what is that smell? I shared how much relief I had from the creme and it had a funny smell. It was a menthol smell that evolved into the skunky smell of marijuana. We kept saying what is that smell? Oh it is Kristin's feet. We joked my feet may get the munchies, should we feed them cheetoes?? It was endless jokes about my stinky feet. Another very funny time was the creepy man on the corner.

If you look really close, there is a deer.....don't, I am kidding. Worst pic ever

There is a deer in this one for sure

Amy kept us safe from snakes

Amy being the guiding light on the trail literally for snakes was leading our pack of 4 and she said there is someone up ahead. It is late at night and nobody is in the park at night. We get closer to the creepy man on the corner and it is Kevin!! Apparently after we left the wind gusted and blew the camper door shut and for the first time, it locked itself. Kevin was locked out. Didn't have a radio or phone to call me. He found a headlamp and headed to a corner he hoped to catch us. Given there is nobody out there our giggling and chatting could be heard for miles. We came up on him and he was sweaty, disheveled, shoes untied. I was worried about him. He said, do you still have the extra keys in your pack from when I headed out in the beginning, I do. Crisis averted. We parted ways and Kevin from this point on was known as creepy husband on the corner. We have to come up with a spare key plan. No idea how this could happen.

We got back to camp and I went to the bathroom again. While I was in the toilet it was discussed I should rest before going out again. I was thinking I would do a couple miles and rest for when Brooke was going to join us and I would see if she would do Baby Jesus with me. It was decided that no, you will sleep for 2 hours and then go out with Brooke. I was too tired to argue and agreed. Kevin suggested a quick shower to rejuvenate me and lay down. To this day, I do not remember the shower. I ate some food I think and laid down and set the alarm for 3:30 am. Brooke would be there at 4:00 am. It is the first real sleep in 47 hours. The music we set for both of our alarms was different and when it went off on our phones it scared the crap out of us. Kevin hadn't slept much either. Amy and Susan slept in chairs out under the stars, Susan had complained the moon was blinding her LOL. There was a mix up with their alarms too, it was a funny gaggle of people that time of the morning. I slept for 2 hours and woke up ready!! I can do this. Just keep moving. Changed clothes again, lubed up. All my stuff is charged up, ready to go. Kevin would meet us with a cooler again at the same spot which we could access at 5 miles and he would meet up on the trail later.

Brooke is a firecracker of fun. I barely knew her and she said, I will join you for 15 miles. She has never gone that far before. Let's not mention I drug her out on a technical trail with a decent amount of climbing. Brooke, Amy and I headed out. I felt great. I decided to have a cream cheese bagel, which I ate half of and gave the rest to Brooke and Amy. Note. My tummy did not like it. Or Amy. That is all I will say about that. We had a great time out there. We laughed, we took pics. I learned about Brooke's signature pose. Which means that when it is picture time on the trail she normally crouches down because Susan is a little shorter so she crouches down. She did that I said what are you doing? Is this your signature pose? We laughed pretty hard about that. Kevin met us at Golder Ranch with water and doughnuts. He changed from creepy husband to awesome, kind and caring husband because he brought yummy doughnuts. I learned a lot more about cycling and triathlons. We talked about kids, parenting and all kinds of random things. I felt great and thought, I can do this. I know I can do this. If I can get through what I have done so far, I can do this.

We got to the fire road which sucks terribly and we said we need to do a shot of fireball. I had my shorter distance pack vs the other pack which had the fireball. Amy was empty. Brooke came through and we shared a shot and on we went.

Amy has tried to find the link up for this trail and missed it. I was so happy to show her the way. Brooke pushed herself longer than she ever has gone before and for the longest time on her feet she has done before. Kevin met up with us with ice cold water and more doughnuts. Funny story....he couldn't fit the one doughnut that was easily transported into a baggie so he bit the end off of it. Sorry Brooke, it wasn't a whole one.... Also along the way I was having some sort of allergic reaction to something and my legs broke out into hives. Amy went into her back and gave me some Benadryl which helped. It may have been expired, but my legs were not on fire anymore. It was so much fun experiencing that route with them. What a gift.

We got back into camp and Susan met up with us like the welcoming committee. We were back home.

Amy was done and Susan was done, she had an injury she is nursing and couldn't do anymore. Kevin needed to leave to get the boys. He set up my pack with ice and got my stuff plugged in. He made me some soup and a sandwich I think? I said goodbye and thank you to Susan and Amy and kissed Kevin goodbye. We had decided I would do a 6.7 mile route in reverse I normally do in an effort to think it would be easier to do.

At this point, I was 2 hours of sleep in, 78 miles done, 41 to go, made the decision to finish 119 by midnight. I was 40 hours in from starting. I have been awake for 56 hours.

I headed out, I can do this. Did I rest enough? Did I eat enough? I don't know. Keep moving.

Those 6.7 miles were quite possibly the worst I have ever had in my life. I was in agony. Up to this point my joints were sore, my feet ached and now I was having major muscle pain, Achilles, all over aches. I refused to sit on a rock and cry. I would shuffle and stop in the shade and shuffle and cry. I had all kinds of things to eat and I couldn't fathom any of it helping. If it wasn't going to make me feel better then I don't want it. I was listening to an audio book which was helping me to be distracted. All I could think was how much further I still need to go. I know Kevin can't go with me any further. I am alone. Completely alone. I have to find a way through this. I am quitting. I have gone far enough. I can't do this. Why am I doing this. Why did I put everyone in my family through this. Why can't I be a 5k person. Why do I need to go far. How far do I need to go to be okay with who I am. When is enough, enough. Who cares what you are doing. Why.....

I heard a rustle in the bushes. I stopped and looked and a bunny zoomed in front of me and a coyote was in hot pursuit. He saw me and almost hit me and turned around and ran away.

This moment is one of the reasons WHY I do this. That moment. I stood there and laughed, wow, I almost got knocked over by a coyote and what a metaphor. The bunny was me. Quitting was the coyote. Not today. Not today. Keep going.

Another reason....it is so pretty.

I came into camp, struggling to put one foot in front of the other, trying to figure out the math of what is left. How can I do this? Could I finish by midnight?

I walked up to the camper and Kevin and the kids are there. Ready for the ice cream run to the ranger station. Oh my Lord. I can't sit down??? I felt like I was floating, that wasn't a good sign. We have 15 minutes to get to the ranger station for ice cream before they closed. It seemed a million miles away. But the kids are ringing bells bringing me in. I couldn't stop the tears again. I just couldn't let them down. The boys made numbers for a count down of the miles. My family is everything to me. Cecilia helped me with the songs. William danced to the songs for all my alarms. Matthew learned his determination to keep going from us. Kevin has been a pillar of support for my crazy. I will not let them down. I will keep going. Miles for Mommy. Family ice cream run. I can do this. Keep going. I will tell you that ice cream is the best ice cream I have ever had. Sweetened by having it with them.

When we figured out I only had 29 more miles to go, it seemed within reach to make it by midnight. 29 doesn't seem like a lot. It has a 2 in the number. I have gone 90, what is 29 more? It was 5pm and in my mind, 29 miles in 7 hours was achievable??

Kevin knew I was in trouble. He started the talk that I thought was heading to I should quit. There is no possible way I can do 29 miles, just short of a 50K in 7 hours. It is not possible for me. I wasn't willing to concept that. I am not going to make the goal. I failed. I didn't make it. I failed.

Kevin talked to me and I feel so awful about my reaction to realizing I wasn't going to make it. I said to him it isn't enough. I can't quit. What about 100, can I make 100? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I felt as low and shamed and pained as it could get. I couldn't even look at Kevin, because to look at him, it was the truth. I had to let 119 go. It is a week ago this journey began and I still cry at the level of internal turmoil I went through.

That is why I do this to deal with that gut level turmoil that we avoid facing with false fronts and shiny images of what is not real to make us look and feel better. It is so easy to put up a strong front. It is so easy to play that role of strong anything. At the end of the day when we lay our heads down at night, that voice we quiet shouts at you. You know....you should have...why did you...you are not good enough....stop trying....stop pretending....you are not a real ultra runner...you walk....you DNF....you drink too much...you don't have enough patience, time....you are scared of the unknown, I am scared of going to a doctor for fear there is some cancer hiding...I am not a good daughter....I am not a good sister....I am not a good wife....I wish I made friends better....why me

I sat there in the chair, feet elevated, eating two hot dogs, tomato soup and bacon, crying. This is not going right. How did I let it fall apart. How can I make 29 miles more regardless of midnight cut off?

All of a sudden, Brooke appears. I forgot she said she would be dropping off a bath bomb with CBD in it for recovery. She saw me in tears and she talked with me and gave me a hug and said to just break it up in 5 mile increments and reassess. I liked her idea and thought I could try.

I got up and told Kevin I would not go out on trails further than Bridle and the campground because I would be alone and couldn't trust myself out there. I don't want to risk ruining the 50 miler in November. He said I can't go with you. I am here for you, but I can't go with you. He needed to stay at camp with the boys and he was spent, physically and emotionally.

I set out for 5 miles. From this point forward, I have no idea how many miles I would go out and wander around for. I just kept trying to move. Cecilia went home earlier. The boys went to bed. Kevin was in a chair outside the camper reclined with a blanket on him.

I came in at one point and he had been messaging with Susan, she asked how I was doing. He said I was being stubborn. I am not clear on how I was left to respond to her acting like I was Kevin responding. I text her not to come out. I was okay and going to stop at 100. I didn't want to burden her and she had already done so much. I found out later she was going to come out to tell me to stop. A full scale intervention. Sorry I fibbed or impersonated Kevin.

Kevin sent me a video of Stevie Nicks song, "Landslide" which is one of my favorite songs of all time. It has a secondary meaning when Kevin and I started dating he knew this was my favorite song and he put headphones on my ears and I watched the video on those little ipod things and I cried. He sent that to me out on the trail and I bawled like a baby. A mixture of so many feelings. It spiraled about an hour or so of crying and listening to it over and over. I wanted to listen to songs to lift me up and all I could do was listen to sad songs. Like when you go through a break up and only listen to sad break up songs. It was like my subconscious wanted to listen to break up songs for breaking up with the 119 goal and accepting 100.

I spent many moments stopping and staring at the moon and the stars. Really putting together how long I have been out there, what I have seen, what I have heard, what I have experienced. It has been one heck of a journey. I loved how each night brought something new. Each night I was on a different path. It made me think of really just how far could I go and I thought about my goal of doing a 200 miler one day and if that would be possible? Having an organized event without all of my brain power on the logistics, my ability to function on little sleep, perseverance and all of that, I think I could do it. In darkness there is always light to what is possible.

I asked Kevin, what number do I need on my watch to make it to 100. I can't do the math at all. He said 97.87. It will be easy to remember. 97 is when Cecilia was born and 87 is when he graduated. I can do this.

Stumble 2 steps, look at watch and repeat. I kept focusing on the watch and walk circles. I finally reached 97.87 at 0019, (12:19 am) . I didn't plan it that way. The universe said, this is the end.

I finished, went to the camper, gave Kevin a kiss and he went to bed. He needed to be up at 530 to take Matthew to a cross-country meet in Rio Rico and he hadn't much more sleep than I have. If he could have been with me at the end, he would have!! I sat in the chair and had a beer. There was no end of run bash, no celebration with anyone, just me. It was an uneventful finish, but I was glad to stop moving and not worrying anymore about heading out again. I was so broken and beat down.

I got my stuff together for the shower. I grabbed a first aid kit as well because I knew my feet would be bad and I wanted to make sure they were okay from infection before bed. I sat for about an hour dealing with getting the tape off of my feet and seeing the carnage. Blisters under calluses on the outsides of my heels, under calluses on the outside of my big toes, both baby toes were just pockets of blisters. The tape prevented balls of my feet blisters and everywhere underneath. These other areas are constant problems, no matter the shoes, I could run barefoot and they would still be a problem. I showered and went to bed. That was it. That was the end.

Here are the numbers:

53 hours 9 min 1 second, 100 miles, hiking only.

Awake 68 hours

Slept 2 1/2 hours

Burned 15,000 calories

180,000 steps

7598 elevation gain

Consumed (what I can remember) 8 V8s, bacon, 3 ham/turkey sandwiches, 1 grilled cheese, tomato soup, chicken noodle soup, bacon/cheese quesadilla, cream cheese bagel, oranges, bananas, Bang energy drinks, a couple sugar free red bulls, Sunkist soda, lemon aid (2 L), chips, some sugar cookies, gummy bears, peanut m&ms, nuts, waffles, in and out burger, chocolate shake, cantaloupe, a doughnut, salt tabs, Drip-Drop electrolytes, some Clif Bar blocks, popsicles, fireball, an extraordinary amount of water and ice and a lot of tylenol.

However, what was gained in making it to 100 and losing 19?

Strength. I gained strength in my ability to adapt and overcome. I wanted to quit and refused to quit. I battled an overabundance of negativity and force fed it positivity. I learned the power of friendship that I have for decades not trusted. I have been burned by many friendships and friendship to me can be so fleeting. It is something I crave. It is something that I lack and it is due to my own insecurities. I have a lot of "friends" but how many would toe the line to help me achieve a goal or help me in my worst moments? Not many. I feel that there are too many people who want something in return. I have felt for years it is my responsibility to be able to give back to a friendship or they won't be my friend. Always the giver. I am always the one to do too much, go over the top, maybe I would be liked better. It is a deep insecurity. Having friends new and old who came out to help me, I will never forget that level of commitment. Never. The level of support I had from so many people on Facebook was absolutely amazing and it charged and pushed me forward. I cry still at how much all of that support helped me. I know that most of them that followed the journey and gave their support would have physically been there if they could. Knowing they were following the journey and taking time to give me strength, it is how I made it through the last 20 miles. Kevin saw the support and comments and he was mixed because he liked to see the support, but at the same time he wanted everyone to stop encouraging me, because he could see how physically and emotionally destroyed I was and how determined I was to not quit. The power of friendship is one area that helped me adapt and overcome.

Gratefulness. In our daily lives it is easy to take what we are grateful for for granted. I try to practice gratefulness every day. I could not have done this without my husband. He is a one of a kind. He kept me alive. He supports my adventures, all the training, everything. I put him through too much. I know that and it is not fair on him. I am sorry for that. I am grateful he had the patience with me to let me get to the point to fail. I say fail meaning not get to 119. I needed to get to that point to see that I wouldn't make it and accept it and make a new goal of 100. I needed to face that failure to find a path to success. Through failure is when we learn who we are. I was so angry with myself DNF-ing my own damn adventure. All I planned for a talked about for months was 119 in 47. The reality was based on my physical fitness level, my pace, the logistics, my inexperience of going 100 miles ever, it was not going to happen. However, I am grateful I am alive to give it a try. I can sit here today and know I gave it everything I had. Everything. I am grateful I made it to 100, because that in itself is pretty epic.

Trust. I had to trust so many variables to go right and adjust when it changed. The biggest thing I had to trust...was myself. I had to trust my abilities to find the routes, which I did with only a couple hiccups. I had to trust my abilities to attend and listen to my body. It wasn't pretty towards the end, but, I peed consistent and the color was normal. I stayed on top of electrolytes and salt tabs. I kept that balance right. I should have eaten more a few times and I pushed myself to eat when I didn't want to. I had to trust my experience with my feet and how to make them better. I had to trust in my ability to compartmentalize pain and persevere. I had to trust when I knew with everything I had and my experience that I couldn't go out further than a couple miles from the camp for my safety. It is a lesson to learn your limits and trust when you are no longer making rational decisions to take measures to change the direction and path of the goal.

Fear. I faced fears. Seen and unseen. Fear of things that go bump in the night. Fear of letting myself down. Fear of letting others down. Fear of failing. Fear of dying. I made it through 9-19-19 ALIVE!!! Fear of losing hope, faith. Fear of stopping. Fear of continuing. Fear of epic pain. Full on fear of fear itself. I did it. When I am at my worst perceived point of fear every again in my life, this journey will be there to remind me, this is nothing....remember that 119 thing....you got this.

Inspiration. This was the unexpected gift and a huge reason why I do what I do. I do this for my own reasons to battle my inner turmoils and live and experience the best life I can, while I can. I also hugely do this to inspire others to get out there and experience their best potential as a human. I want to inspire others to try when they think they can't. Inspire others to go far when they are scared. Inspire others when faced with doubt in their own abilities. Inspire to explore new places, new trails, new experiences. Inspire others to be the best version of themselves. Do you need to go 100 miles? No. You go what you can go, just enjoy the journey along the way. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. Make a plan to do something special. The day we are born is the day our own special journey begins. No two journeys are the same and they are what makes us special. I chose this for a lot of reasons, but there is no better way to celebrate life than kicking it in the ass when it is breaking you down. A side note to the inspiration, my bonus son who turns 9 in January announced he wants to do 9 miles for his Birthday.

Question that remains. Will I do this again? NO. I can say that after other things I have done and there I am doing them again, however this, I won't do again. Why?

I won't do it due to the logistics just broke me down. I didn't expect it. Setting up camp and not sleeping killed me. I worried constantly about who and what time people would be joining me for particular routes. I didn't want to be late and let them down. I wanted to make sure they had a good time. I was so worried about everyone else's experience and worried I was going so slow. I worried about endless crap. Endless. The endless routes back to the camper was mind numbing. It made sense logistically but it was mind numbing. The opportunity to quit every time I came back to the camper, killed me. I worried about the strain on Kevin, I could see it each time I saw him. His worry and effort to keep me going, it was killing him. I wanted to quit to stop that for him and couldn't quit for letting everyone down. I needed people with me longer than I thought and couldn't ask them of that and felt guilty for wanting help. I planned so much for this to the point that I didn't make a plan if it failed. I never made a B or C plan and focused so hard on the A plan, which goes against what I normally do. The mental aspect to focus on the routes and right way to go I thought would help me to keep me focused, which it did, but so often I just wanted to switch off and just put one foot in front of the other. I learned I need people when it gets to a certain point and doing a solo adventure like this it presents a different beast of self reliance. If I had to do this again (end of the world scenario), I know I could, but, I won't do it voluntarily. I would do a 100 mile and 200 mile organized race with people around me and at aide stations where I don't need to worry about food, my feet, about water, ice, electrolytes, about the strain on all the aide station workers. About where the path is because I just need to look for markers. I was so sad at the finish of my event. It isn't anyone's fault. It would have been great to celebrate with others who knew what I went through and shared experience. To explain to people what I did, they think I am crazy and can't fathom it. I can barely fathom it. I have parts I have no memory of. To say there is company in shared misery is an understatement.

I bought a 100 sticker for my car. I haven't put it on there yet. I struggle with did I deserve it? It took me forever to get there. I didn't run it. I hiked and sufferfested through it. I am sure nay-sayers out there who have done official 100 milers would argue it doesn't count, or maybe that is my insecurities. I know I did deserve it. I went 100 miles. I stepped every painful step. I did it. I deserve the sticker. The sticker is a reminder of what I did and the journey to get there.

I will gladly help anyone make a plan for their own adventures and I will be there in the last awful miles. I am an excellent planner. It has inspired me for more fun filled events for our community of runners and my friends. All about the fun!! That is the one area I didn't plan in and I should have!!

The end lesson, we all get by with a little help from our friends, we need to not take things so seriously and allow fun. We need to allow ourselves to experience challenges and live our life to the fullest. Don't be afraid to inspire others, you will discover you happen to inspire yourself in the process. I will never be "fast", but the level of endurance, perseverance, mental fortitude...it will get me to a well fulfilled and enriched experience at the finish line of life.

I could not have done this without all the support of these people in this collage and for all the support from social media and my workplaces, my patients, my family and friends.

The aftermath...

That Saturday Kevin took the boys to the meet in Rio Rico and Matthew got 14th place and came home with a medal. We went and did packet pick up at fleet feet for the race that was happening in Catalina on Sunday. I had to get some slide in shoes to wear. I couldn't wear any of my shoes. I had some flip flops but the sticky part from the tape got stuck to the shoe and the shoe took some of my skin. So we got some shoes I could wear and only wore for a couple days. It wasn't until Tuesday the swelling and pain in my feet went down. Just awful. I soaked them twice a day in Epsom salt and elevated them. However.....I was able to run 10 miles the following Sunday. Back in the saddle.

For the race on Sunday I was signed up to do the 10 miler and there was no way that was happening. I went there to cheer and support everyone. Matthew and William both won their age groups and improved drastically on their times last year. Kevin ran the 5 miler with William and William improved by 6 minutes and Matthew did the 10 miler and improved by 22 minutes. We are so proud of them. We are all doing the Bataan Memorial Death March in White Sand New Mexico, a marathon distance. It will be Matthew's 3rd and William's first. Matthew chose doing Bataan over a trip to Disney with his school friends!! With all that I went through, inspiring these boys and others....priceless and worth all the pain.